Time-Out Tool: Steps for de-escalating an argument

When you are arguing with your spouse (because every single one of us does) you need to consider the time-out tool. When you are arguing and you realize that the next words out of your mouth are going to be harmful instead of hurtful, take a time-out. Follow these rules in order to take a time-out the right way.

• The person who needs the time-out takes it.
• The person who called a time-out must call time in. Every relationship has a pursuer and a withdrawer. One of you is more likely to want to deal with the issue right away while the other one wants time and space to think about it. The withdrawer is more likely to call more time-outs. That’s okay, but he or she must also call a time in.
• The time out must only last a reasonable amount of time. It’s not okay to leave your partner waiting around forever. During the time out you should W.A.M. Ask yourself “Why Am I Mad?” If the reason is outside of yourself than you need to dig deeper and find the way you are responsible.
• No “ghosting.” Don’t literally leave and not tell your spouse how long you’ll be gone. In the worst cases, one spouse leaves overnight without communicating when they’ll be back. Don’t do that.
• When the time-out is over, re-engage in the conversation, in a calm manner.

If you follow these time-out rules, it will go a long way in creating a safe space within your home and marriage.

To learn more about the time-out method, listen to Ep. 4 “How to Fight Fair Part 3” on our podcast, Faith Based Mental Health.