The Root Cause of Divorce
Most people seem to agree that the divorce rate is too high. After all, over half of all marriages end in divorce. But it’s not like anyone gets married with the intent of ending that marriage within a few years (or at least you would hope not). So why are so many couples who once said “I do” eventually saying “I don’t?”
A lot of people blame it on infidelity. After all, because of social media and dating apps it’s so easy for a husband or wife to end up falling for or hooking up with someone else. While a lot of marriages end because of this it is not the one thing that seems to be the root of most divorces. Many therapists report that most couples who come in for marriage counseling say they have communication issues. Is communication the problem? While differences in communication and lack of communication is clearly a big problem in a lot of marriages, it is not the root. So what is it then?
Selfishness
In a society that values winning no matter what and always “looking out for number one,” the root of the vast majority of divorces is selfishness. It’s a lack of a willingness to say, “I’m willing to put your needs ahead of my own because you matter that much to me.” Most spouses may be willing to put their husband or wife before themselves once in a while but are you willing to do it daily? If you want to have a great marriage you will put her first (or him) on a daily basis. And the trick to this bit of wisdom is that this policy only works if both spouses do it.
What are you Looking for?
“That offends me” seems to be one of the most common things we hear today. Why is that? Why does it seem like so many people are just looking for ways to be offended or angry? The problem with looking for ways to be offended is that if you do that, you will find them.
In life, we all find what we are looking for if we look hard enough. This is an undeniable truth. If you don’t believe it, test it. This week, look for green cars and by the end of the week you are going to feel like there are more green cars on the road than you ever realized, and the simple reason is that you have begun to notice them because you looked for them.
The same is true in your marriage/relationship. If you look for ways to get angry or offended by your significant other, you will find them. If you do this consistently for a length of time you will likely end up wanting a divorce. It doesn’t matter how great he or she is, do this and you will eventually become unhappy. But if you do the opposite, if you look for the good in him or her, it will transform your relationship. If you will commit for one week to actively look for all of the good and lovely things that your spouse does, you will realize just how great you have it.
If you want to take it one step further, this week, write down every time your spouse does something kind or loving or good or cute. Take this one piece of advice and you will find that you are in a much better and happier relationship than you realized.
To learn more about fighting fair, check out the following episode from “Faith Based Mental Health.”
