How to Fight Fair
Fighting is Necessary
Whether we want to admit it or not, every couple fights. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together six months or sixty years, you will have disagreements and fights. Believe it or not that’s a good thing. Couples who don’t fight are headed toward divorce or general misery if something doesn’t change. If they don’t fight it is likely because they are guarded to the point where there is nothing the other one could say or do that would hurt them. They keep each other at arm’s length and there is no trust.
It is also possible that a married couple won’t fight because they never bring up things that are important to them. They don’t feel like it is safe to be vulnerable with their partner. Sometimes this plays out in a dominant passive situation where one person basically always gets their way. What you might call a win-lose situation. And then there are couples who are in a lose-lose situation where it seems no one ever gets their way.
The goal for any relationship is harmony, which is where both individuals respect and value each other so much that both are constantly trying to put the needs and wants of each other ahead of their own. When a couple reaches this level, real growth and connection take place.
Connection is the Solution
Whether or not a couple fights fair, has a lot to do with their attachment style. These attachment styles come from the relationship they had with their parents growing up. In a relationship where both couples have a strong base of attachment (they both had a healthy attachment to their parents) they tend to get away with a lot more.
If I feel that we have a secure attachment to one another than I’m able to bring up the things that you are doing that are bothering or hurting me. This is only possible because I know that I can disagree with you or argue with you, and it won’t result in you abandoning me. How well we fight with our partner has more to do with the underlying attachment we have with one another than we realize.
Most of the time, connection is the resolution to whatever you are fighting over. For instance, a wife may tell a husband about a co-worker who is being difficult. The husband may feel like he needs to try to find a solution and fix the problem, but maybe his wife just needs him to listen and try to understand. By doing that, he will show her that he cares about her and that he is a safe place for her to be herself and to be honest.
To learn more about how to fight fair, check out the following episode from “Faith Based Mental Health,” and check out part two: The Root Cause of Divorce.
